I guess what hurts the most isn't that I don't have you. It's that at one point, I did. It's that I can go to sleep missing you, dream that I'm with you, then wake up and realize once more that I don't have you. Maybe what hurts the most is not that I'm no longer enough, but at one point, I was.
The intense aching I felt isn’t there anymore. I still whisper your name, though not as often as I used to. Now it may be once before the day is through. I still hear your voice replaying in my mind, but it’s fading now. Soon, silence I will find. I still long for you, to feel your touch, but it’s not like before. I don’t dream it as much. I still think about you and wonder how you are, but my feelings have changed and they don’t go as far. I still feel you sometimes. Maybe you’re thinking of me or maybe it’s just a little memory of how it used to be. I still love you but it’s just not as strong because I’m letting you go now, so we can both move on. You still have a piece of my heart because I always feel you here. Now I’m hoping and praying that that, too, will quickly disappear. This will be my last goodbye, I’ve nothing else to say. Everything I felt for you can now just fade away.
Why? Because one person has the power to make or break your day. They have the ability to make you smile, laugh, and even cry. One person can have so much to hold over me. I’m vulnerable. And for me, that’s a scary position to be in.
I don't know, I mean, I want to be his friend. But then again, I don't. You know? I mean how can you simply be friends with someone when every time you used to look at them you thought about how much more you really wanted.
I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time. You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning, you were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
“If there’s anything I’ve learned in this whole getting over you process, it’s that your always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. Your always gonna be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I’m happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous brown eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I’ll never forget you and the way you made me feel when we were young & stupidly in love.”—
I looked back on us today, and I honestly don't know why I missed you, and why I wanted you back.
Sure, at the beginning we were kids rushing into things we had no idea what about, but slowly, instead of trusting you more, I trusted you less, and the more I loved you, the less I loved myself. But now I’m free, and I’m not sorry. I had to get out. I knew it was over long before you said it. And I thought you broke my heart, but you merely made it stronger, made it resilient. Of course I’ll never forget you, but there’s no way I’m ever going back. So goodbye, my first love. Thank you for being such a fabulous waste of time.